I know you need caffeine sometimes but don’t even fucking think about reaching for a RedBull or 5-Hour Energy. I will slap that shit out of your hand so quick you won’t know whatthefuck happened. Energy drinks are toxic and fucking expensive. Money doesn’t grow on trees; coffee does. Don’t waste your time in a fucking line and spend your hard earned cash on something you can make while you’re sleeping. Cold brewed coffee is also way less acidic, making this easier on your stomach. SO GRAB A CUP OF THIS SIMPLE SHIT AND SEIZE THE GODDAMN DAY.
COLD BREWED COFFEE
¾ cup ground coffee (whatever you got is fine)
3 ½ cups cold water
Put the coffee grounds in the bottom of a large container. If you like coffee with some fucking bite, add another ¼ cup of grounds. Slowly pour the water over the grounds and stir. Make sure all the grounds get wet because sometimes there are weird dry pockets and then you’re just wasting fucking coffee. Let this sit in the fridge (or on your counter if its not too fucking hot in your place) overnight or for at least 10 hours. In the morning, strain that shit using a mesh strainer. You know, the ones that look like a screen door. If you have the time, strain one more time through a paper coffee filter to get out the last of the grounds (or don’t and just deal with a couple rogue grounds in your drink). Serve over ice and with some almond milk if that’s your thing.
Makes about 3 ½ cups of coffee (triple this recipe and keep the extra in the fridge all week)
The problem that needs to be fixed is not kick all the girls out of YA, it’s teach boys that stories featuring female protagonists or written by female authors also apply to them. Boys fall in love. Boys want to be important. Boys have hopes and fears and dreams and ambitions. What boys also have is a sexist society in which they are belittled for “liking girl stuff.” Male is neutral, female is specific.
I heard someone mention that Sarah Rees Brennan’s THE DEMON’S LEXICON would be great for boys, but they’d never read it with that cover. Friends, then the problem is NOT with the book. It’s with the society that’s raising that boy. It’s with the community who inculcated that boy with the idea that he can’t read a book with an attractive guy on the cover.
Here’s how we solve the OMG SO MANY GIRLS IN YA problem: quit treating women like secondary appendages. Quit treating women’s art like it’s a niche, novelty creation only for girls. Quit teaching boys to fear the feminine, quit insisting that it’s a hardship for men to have to relate to anything that doesn’t specifically cater to them.
Because if I can watch Raiders of the Lost Ark and want to grow up to be an archaeologist, there’s no reason at all that a boy shouldn’t be able to read THE DEMON’S LEXICON with its cover on. My friends, sexism doesn’t just hurt women, and our young men’s abysmal rate of attraction to literacy is the proof of it.
If you want to fix the male literary crisis, here’s your solution:
Become a feminist.
Is some aggressive guy hounding you for your number? Do you just want him to leave you alone but he won’t take “no” for an answer? The people behind Feminist Phone Intervention have got you covered. All you need to do is give the creep this phone number instead of your own: (669) 221-6251.
What does this fabulous service do? If the jerk calls or texts the line, he’ll be met with an automatically-generated quotation from feminist writer Bell Hooks. That’s right: The perp will be schooled in Feminism 101.
Society talks a lot about how the Internet is full of junk. But Feminist Phone Intervention proves it can be used for a whole lot of good.
Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen.
The eighth straight white male comic onstage in a lineup of eight straight white male comics should care about diversity. A lineup of six straight white dude comics, me, and a final, eighth straight white male comic is a better lineup for that eighth comic. There are really no new topics and no new viewpoints in stand-up—it’s all been done and it’s all how you will make it yours since it’s already been done—so it helps any comic to not have to follow an identical viewpoint. Dude comics can say fresh, interesting things, and they will always be made more fresh and more interesting by a counterpoint.
I think a lot of people don’t understand that when we talk about these issues—blackface, rape jokes, the appropriation of marginalized cultures, and so on—we are having an ethical conversation, not a legal one. There is no thought police. No one’s coming to your house and carting you off to Insensitivity Prison. But you, as a person living on this planet, get to make a choice whether you want to hurt people or help people. Whether you want to listen or shut people out. I can’t imagine why you’d choose “defensive shithead” over “nice lady capable of empathy,” but okey dokey.